How can I get my partner to open up?

Some people, especially ex-boarders, are a bit like oysters. Push or scare us and we clam up.

I’m a bit obsessed with oysters right now because last week my partner and I were in the small seaside town of Whitstable, which is justifiably famous for its oysters. I've learned a lot about oysters while visiting Whitstable. The oyster has a very strong adductor muscle which snaps its shell firmly shut whenever it detects danger.

If you’re in a relationship with a man (or a woman) who tends to shut down or wall himself off, it’s worth thinking about that oyster. Whenever he feels threatened or unsafe he’ll clam up – snap his shell shut – sometimes at lightning speed. You can’t get inside no matter what you try, and you probably already realise that he walls off even more if you keep hammering away at him trying to get him to open up. Because when someone is very walled off, if you approach them like a mediaeval siege engine, they generally shut down even further.

It reminds me of Aesop's tale of the sun and the wind and the man in the warm overcoat. If you don't already know, you can probably guess who got the man to take his coat off.

A lot of us are like the wind, trying to force the man to take off his coat. But it doesn’t work.

So the answer isn’t to try harder. Instead it works better when we find a way of approaching them that makes it safer to open up.

The oyster has to open its shell to feed, so if it is under threat it can’t feed. Us humans don’t really thrive when we spend a lot of time living behind walls. When we’re shut down, we deprive ourselves of all the benefits of close, loving relationships. So there is a benefit to coming out from behind those walls.

The problem is that after a lifetime spent walled off and isolated, we’re likely to feel threatened by closeness and intimacy - the very things we need for psychological health.

What goes wrong when we try to get a shut-down partner to open up

Unfortunately our attempts at getting our partners to open up can really backfire. There are all sorts of things we do that don’t help, but these are five of them:

• Interrogation: Asking "What's wrong?" and following up with “Well there must be something wrong” and “Why won’t you talk about it?” will only make him feel hunted.

• Emotional reactivity: If he goes quiet and you get angry or emotional in response, he’s likely to retreat further to avoid a row.

• Offering unsolicited solutions: Men and women are both prone to offering solutions in an attempt to fix a perceived problem. If your man does start to open up and you jump in with a solution, you may make him feel unheard.

• Asking for a "Talk": Starting a conversation with "We need to talk" is the fastest way to trigger a defensive shutdown. If you persist you look like you’re trying to control him.

• Using hyperbole: Saying things like “you always clam up when I want to talk” and “you never share your feelings” can look like you’re criticising him for shutting down and that you don’t appreciate the little he does offer you.

How to be more like the sun

Remember this is about making it feel safer for him to open up to you. It’s really important that you don’t trigger his threat response. So obviously you aren’t going to shout at him, accuse him of being walled-off or threaten retaliation if he doesn’t open up to you.

If you’re having trouble finding ways to encourage your partner to open up to you, there are three things you can try:

1. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements

Although you know that opening up will be good for him, he may not see it that way and he won’t respond well if you keep saying “You always shut me out.” But he may respond to hearing you voice your own needs, such as “I love it when you tell me about your day,” or “I feel closer to you when you share what you’re thinking and feeling.”

2. Listen deeply

When he opens up, listen without interrupting and validate him even if you think he’s got something wrong. See if you can echo what he said and know you can ask for clarity. Asking questions like “What did you mean by…?” can help to clear up misunderstandings based on different interpretations.

3. Hold everything lightly

This is about being detached from the outcome. You want him to open up; you don’t know what he will say when he does and it won’t help if you have specific ideas about what you want him to say! No matter how shut down he may be, he is better informed than you about what’s happening inside him. You may think you know, but in reality you’re only guessing. So hold it all lightly and see what happens!

It’s not easy being in a relationship with someone who is shut-down. Even if he’s decided he wants to open up, he may find it difficult to access his own feelings and he’ll probably find intimacy very frightening. All you can do is to help him feel safe enough to start this rather terrifying journey into his own inner world, and you may need extra support to figure this out.

If this is a familiar pattern in your relationship, my short home-study course, Communication Without Conflict, will help you understand what happens when conversations go off track and show you different ways to approach them.

It only costs £29 and you can work through it in your own time.