Overwhelm from the inside-out

We usually think of overwhelm as something that happens because life asks too much of us.

Too much work. Too many responsibilities. Too much bad news.

Sometimes that's true.

But I'm becoming increasingly interested in another possibility: that overwhelm doesn't just come from what's happening around us. It also comes from what's happening inside us.

We may often link overwhelm to things around us being too much. But there are times when we can cope with these things. Sometimes we have the capacity for it, and sometimes we don’t.

The way I see it there’s a sort of triangle here (or maybe a Venn diagram...)

• The demands on you from the outside world

• Your state (tired, hungry, ill, anxious, etc)

• Your nervous system's sense of safety

We can't always change what's happening around us, and we may not be able to change our nervous system's sense of safety overnight. But we can influence our state by resting, eating or asking for support. And we can become more aware of how we respond to pressure.

That's where choice begins.

It’s how we respond to the stuff in the outside world, but more importantly how we respond to the way we respond.

This is all about noticing.

Noticing what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking and what that tells you about your nervous system.

"Ah... this isn't just work. This is my nervous system telling me that saying 'No' isn't safe."

If your manager (which might be you...) places demands upon you that you can’t cope with, do you work longer hours to get it done or push back and make it clear that this is more than you can cope with? And the same applies to spouses and partners...

It’s worth thinking about how your childhood experience is still affecting your response in these situations. If you experienced abandonment early on (whether that be boarding school or an emotionally unavailable parent), you may find it hard to push back and say ‘No’. The fear of rejection might be running your life and putting you into overwhelm.

Then the question changes from, "How do I cope with all of this?" to "What is my nervous system trying to protect me from?"

From here you can make a more intentional choice. You can step outside your comfort zone, if your nervous system feels just safe enough, and say ‘No’. Or you can recognise that right here, right now you don’t have the capacity to do that, and make the decision not to say ‘No’ – yet.

Sometimes the most important thing isn't saying "No". It's understanding why saying "No" has felt so frightening for so long.