The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males...

“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”

Bell Hooks

This quote sets the stage for this month’s blog posts. I decided that I want to speak specifically about men. Women, particularly feminists, can sometimes seem to be very anti-men, indeed some probably are.

I’m not.

I am however keenly aware that from a woman’s perspective, in a heterosexual relationship the man is often seen as the cause of any problems in the relationship. And in my practice I have worked with women whose husbands have been distant, demeaning, abusive and/or controlling. So it’s hardly surprising that we women often locate the cause of our relationship problems in our men.

I don’t want to suggest that women are all blameless. It takes two to create a relationship and often the man’s behaviour is part of a pattern which includes unrelational behaviour on the part of his wife or partner.

However we also know that most acts of violence are perpetrated by the man against the woman. The thing is this behaviour is intrinsic to the way patriarchy operates in our society, in fact in most of the world.

But it’s important to remember that as Bell Hooks tells us, patriarchy does not serve men any more than it serves women. It may seem like men benefit from the privileges patriarchy affords them. But they come at a cost.

Research which shows that until the age of about five, boys are just as capable of empathy and compassion as girls are. But from five or six, that compassion is knocked out of them. To be a ‘real’ boy you can’t afford to show compassion. That’s for sissies.

Even in families where the parents are keen to raise their sons as fully rounded individuals with access to the full range of human qualities, including those regarded as feminine, boys will be shamed by their peers for any feminine behaviour.

So what does all this mean for adult relationships?

We don’t teach boys how to be relational, so when they grow up into men they don’t have the skills needed. But more than that, traditional masculinity entails a degree of independence and the exercise of the type of power that runs against closeness and intimacy.

So if your man is unable to offer you the love and emotional support you crave, it helps to remember that this isn’t because he’s a fundamentally bad person. It’s because he is a victim of patriarchal conditioning.

Even if he’s abusive it helps to recognise that the abusive behaviour is most probably a reflection of abuse he himself suffered as a child. Or simply the entitlement instilled into him by his position as a male in a patriarchal family and society. That entitlement is a form of 'false empowerment' and will have rendered him incapable of forming mature, loving relationships.

As Terry Real says, “Under patriarchy, you can either be connected or you can be powerful, but you can't be both at the same time.” Patriarchal power is power-over. It’s the power to make someone do something you want them to do. But no one can be in loving connection with someone who they are trying to control.

And as Bell Hooks pointed out in the quote at the top of this post, men and boys are expected to shut off their emotions. It’s not acceptable to feel sad, guilty or ashamed. Only anger and sexual desire are permitted.

The cost is tremendous because when you shut yourself off from most of your emotions you miss out on so much, and of course limiting yourself to anger and desire takes a massive toll on your relationships!

There are two responses to difficult emotions which are characteristic of traditional masculinity:

1. To wall off (or dissociate) so that you don’t experience the emotion (which comes at enormous energetic cost as the emotion doesn’t go away; you have to push it down).

2. To express it as anger. Feel shame? Get angry. Feel guilty? Get angry. Feel sad? Get angry. Feel afraid? Get angry.

Walling off has a cost to the man (or woman) who does this. It often involves an addiction to make the dissociation possible. And of course it means you’re not available to your partner for emotional intimacy.

So what can you do if your man is walled off or prone to angry outbursts?

The trick is to change your own behaviour. When one person changes their behaviour, the other inevitably changes because the ‘dance’ they are engaged in changes.

When I met Lucy & Dan, Dan was extremely walled off and Lucy struggled to regulate her own emotions when she was anxious. Unfortunately Lucy’s emotional outbursts triggered Dan to the extent that he would distance himself from her by retreating into his ‘man cave’ and listening to music, not just for hours but sometimes for days at a time.

The more Dan distanced himself, the more Lucy cried and pleaded with him and the more Lucy cried and pleaded, the more Dan would distance.

But as Lucy began learning how to regulate her emotions, Dan found it easier to stay connected with her. I encouraged them both to take small steps towards emotional regulation and being present, and the more they worked on coming together the easier it became.

Should I stay or should I go?

When a man is abusive towards his partner, there is the possibility he will change. We’re talking here about deep change in his character. Remember his character is not who he is. It’s more of a mask; a way of relating to other people which he created as a child to keep him safe.

But that childhood adaptation is not fit for purpose in adulthood. And he will benefit tremendously if he chooses to change and grow.

However if your man is abusive to you or your children, even your dog, it is not your responsibility to make him change, and in fact you can’t make anyone change. If you want to stay and encourage him to change then he’s a lucky guy.

But if you choose to leave him that is your right. No one should feel they must stay with an abusive partner because there's a little bit of hope that they will change.

If you decide to stay and see whether you can turn the relationship around, check out my e-book, Three Steps to a Magical Relationship. It will guide you through the beginning stages and prepare you for the work ahead.