I see you sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a mug of tea, with big circles under your eyes. Then you hear the key in the lock and for a moment you feel that little spark. And then it fades.
Your husband walks in and asks “what’s for dinner love?”
And you know that you still don’t know and that he won’t be happy when you tell him that.
It’s not that you’re constantly fighting. You seem to just about rub along and there’s no spark any more. You seem to have lost all your get-up-and-go. And dinner always turns out to be something out of the freezer because you didn’t have the energy to cook from scratch.
There are lots of tips for reviving a relationship which has lost its spark. You can find them on Google. They include things like:
Making time to talk
Showing appreciation for each other
Trying new things together
Being more affectionate
Going on a date night once a week
Surprising each other with little kindnesses
Exploring new things in the bedroom
Finding things to feel grateful for
Putting on a smile even when you feel low
Frankly with so little energy in the tank, attempting even one or two of these can seem really daunting. Especially if you first have to persuade your partner that it would be a good idea.
But it doesn’t have to be like this!
None of these are the best first step. What we all need to do when we are tired, feeling low and demotivated is to access the energy that has been missing.
And perhaps counter-intuitively, that means putting yourself first, as you would when you put on your own oxygen mask first.
The Women’s PowerTypes™ offer us a way forward. If you’ve been following me, you’ll already know that people (not just women) who are low on energy and feel tired all the time are usually low on the Queen and Lover archetypes. They’re often also pretty low on Warrioress, but high on Mother.
It is so much easier to focus on developing those key archetypes, rather than trying to just do the things on the list. Once we have built up our Queen, Lover and Warrioress, it becomes much easier, even effortless, to engage in the actions which will help revive that flagging relationship.
To summarise: the Queen PowerType decides what needs to be done, the Lover makes sure that you are caring for yourself and the Warrioress does the hands-on work at the coalface.
So where do I start?
My experience of women who are in this position (ie tired, demotivated and aware that their relationship is no longer bringing them any joy) often find it difficult to do the self-care they need.
It just looks like another list – one consisting of things like
eating nutritious food
spending time alone
taking walks outside in nature
a daily meditation practice
taking time off to simply rest
finding pleasure in life, rather than drudgery
These are all things which your Lover would make sure you do. But faced with the endless tasks presented by running a household, motherhood, and work, it’s likely that your Inner Critic has the upper hand and your Lover has gone into hiding.
So you need someone stronger than your Inner Critic. And that someone is most likely to be your Queen PowerType.
I have yet to find a woman who is incapable of accessing her Queen. It may be difficult at first, and it might make you feel uncomfortable. But when you are ready to take the lead and get into the driver’s seat of your life, there are some simple practices which can really help you to step outside of your comfort zone.
I remember many years ago when I was deep in the role of Victim, a therapist said to me, “Sorrel, if you don’t challenge bad behaviour, you are colluding in it.” It was enough of a kick in the backside to make me realise how I was colluding and to step up and make the challenge.
Your Queen PowerType is ready and waiting to step up and challenge your Inner Critic. And to make the decision that you are going to bring your Lover out of hiding so that she can start doing all those lovely things you need to be giving yourself.
And as you start to love yourself, it will become easier to feel and express love for your other half. Your Lover PowerType revels in pleasure and sensuality, as well as love. And as she rises, she will start to revive the connection with your partner.
Maybe you’ll need a little bit of Warrioress to get him (or her) off the couch. But she’s fearless and you’ll find that the football or Formula 1 are no match for the combination of Lover, Queen and Warrioress!
If you'd like to find out more about the Queen, Lover and the other PowerTypes, you can download the Guide to the Women's PowerTypes™, and you can complete the PowerTypes Profile which will tell you how much access you have to each of the five PowerTypes.