In the 16 years that I’ve been working with people who suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome (ME), I’ve been struck by how many of them (particularly the women) feel guilt about all the things they can no longer do for their families.
I remember one patient, let’s call her Jane, who told me when she came in one day for treatment that she was exhausted after making a trip to Tesco’s to buy her mother-in-law a mirror. She went on to say that mother-in-law had said to her “next time you go to Tesco’s could you pick up one of those mirrors for me?” Apparently they had been discussing the mirror already.
So Jane had gone that same day to Tesco’s and bought the mirror, even though she had no need to go to Tesco's until the weekend.
So I asked her “Why did you go that day, instead of picking up the mirror on your next shopping trip?”
She paused for a moment and replied “I don’t really know. I just felt that she was asking me to go now.”
“And was she?”
“No, she wasn’t. It was me wasn’t it?”
The interesting thing about Jane was that this wasn’t a case of her needing to say “No” to an unreasonable request from her mother-in-law. She had transformed a reasonable request into an unreasonable request inside her own mind. And then she had complied, even though she knew she needed to rest.
It’s like a sort of self-censorship; the impulse to avoid the guilt of having refused a request is so strong we comply with something we haven’t even been asked for.
And for many women, it was this guilt and difficulty saying "No" which had got them into trouble in the first place. When you constantly put yourself last, you end up burning out.
So what can we do about this guilt? Well, it starts with building the parts of us which don't do guilt and recognise the importance of self-care and self-love.
The Women’s PowerTypes & Building Resilience
During my training to become a One of many™ women’s coach, I started using the Women’s PowerTypes™ Profile with the clients I was working with who had ME/CFS or long covid. And the results were pretty consistent: low Queen and low Lover.
I should probably explain what the Women's PowerTypes™ are. They are five archetypes which have been found to be a useful counter to the tendency of women to drop into either Victim or Superwoman mode.
The PowerTypes are: Warrioress, Lover, Mother, Queen and Sorceress. They each bring different qualities which complement each other. You can read more about them here.
For instance women who have high Mother are very good at unconditional love & acceptance, and they have a tendency to sacrifice themselves for the people they love.
On the other hand, women with high Queen do not do guilt and are not prone to self-sacrifice; they are concerned for the well-being of the people in their ‘realm’, but they know they that if they do not look after themselves they will be unable to manage their affairs effectively.
The Lover PowerType is the part of you which does self-care and self-love, as well as bringing intimacy to your relationship with your partner. So your Queen will decide that you need to rest and replenish, and the Lover will be the one to make sure you take that time for a hot bath or a walk in the woods, or a duvet day.
So it is important to have a healthy balance between Mother on the one side and your Queen and Lover on the other.
As you may have guessed the majority of the women I worked with who had ME/CFS had high scores for Mother and were low on Queen and Lover.
If you are living with long-term illness whether that is ME/CFS or any other chronic dis-ease, it’s really worth examining how well you are looking after yourself. So often I have heard women say “but I need to put the children first.” As if she hadn’t noticed that it was the tendency to put herself last which had got her to the position where she could barely stay awake to listen to her child read or even to watch TV with the children.
And it’s not just people with chronic illness who score low on Queen and Lover. If you feel like all the joy has gone out of your life, if you can no longer find the motivation to do things you used to love doing or you’ve noticed that you constantly get treated like a doormat, it is likely that your scores are low for Queen and Lover.
PowerTypes and Relationships
And remember the Lover PowerType is about intimacy as well as self-care. So if your Lover is low, it is not just your ability to nurture yourself that will be suffering, but your relationship with your husband, wife or partner may be suffering as well.
There is an interesting dynamic in which self-love and self-care can nurture love and intimacy between partners. It is probably reasonably obvious that as we heal from our own trauma, we get better at love. But it may be less obvious that healing involves loving and caring for oneself. I certainly noticed that although my ME/CFS patients wanted to get better, they weren’t so keen to do the self-care!
When a low score on Lover is coupled with a low score for the Queen PowerType, it will show up as poor boundaries and an inability to say “No” or an ineffective “No” which is easily over-ridden.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but weak boundaries do not foster love, connection and intimacy. It’s a little like parenting – children need firm, clear boundaries, and so do relationships.
When we do not have clear boundaries and a firm “No” it is only too easy for our partner to take more than we are happy to give. And this breeds resentment, which leads into the downward spiral of arguments, withdrawal and ultimately the conclusion that you married the wrong person.
Anyone can discover what their scores are on the Women’s PowerTypes™ by completing an online profile.
If you would like to complete the profile and explore what your scores mean for you and your relationship (or your health), I offer my PowerTypes Discovery Package, which consists of:
A 60-minute Breakthrough Call, in which you have a chance to talk about what you want to achieve or what problem you want to solve and what challenges are stopping you from getting there.
A voucher code which allows you to complete the Women’s PowerTypes™ Profile
A report which details your scores and what they mean
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A 90-minute PowerTypes Debrief Session, where
I talk you through your profile scores and how your ability to access the different PowerTypes is showing up in your life
We look at what you can do to help lift any PowerTypes on which you score particularly low
And we talk about what you can do to balance your scores if they are out of balance
With the clarity gained from the Breakthrough Call, the Profile and the Debrief Session, you will be in a good place to identify the best next steps to move you forward
All of this for only £197.
If you want to put the guilt away and start bringing more love into your life, book yourself in and discover your PowerTypes.