“Everything is negotiable. Whether or not the negotiation is easy is another thing.”
Carrie Fisher
In a relationship the important things can be negotiated. Some of them are the little things such as which restaurant to go to on a night out. And some of them are big things like whether to move to a different part of the country – or a different country altogether. Either way, negotiation can be a process which strengthens your relationship as you engage in the joint project of honing your negotiating skills.
“Negotiation isn’t some arcane, esoteric art,” says the hostage negotiator, Scott Walker. “It’s everyday communication: how we communicate with ourselves, first of all... It starts with yourself, your mind and your emotions – then you work outwards,” he says. “It’s an inside-out game.”
Walker goes on to say “how to get people onside is a learnable skill.” It’s based on emotional self-regulation. When we learn how to manage our ego and our emotional response to stress, we can communicate more effectively – and secure a better outcome. And that means a better outcome for both parties.
This is particularly important if you are negotiating about one of those big decisions which can cause a heightening of emotions.
Negotiating with your other half is not so different from hostage negotiation. You are offering them something in return for something you want. And you will both get a better outcome when you approach each other with empathy, use active listening so that your partner feels heard, and demonstrate that you can be trusted and that you have your emotions under control.
So what are the keys to successful and happy negotiation with your spouse or partner?
Start from a position of good self-care. If you are taking good care of your own well-being, you will be better able to regulate your emotions. It’s helpful to remember that no emotion lasts more than 90 seconds unless we feed it.
Know where your boundaries lie. What are the deal-breakers? For instance in the restaurant example, if you have a gluten intolerance, ordinary wheat-based pizza will be a deal-breaker.
Make sure your partner knows where your boundaries are, and make sure you know where your partner’s boundaries are.
Be clear about what you are asking for. Using the restaurant example again, it helps to know from the beginning whether you want a three course meal or would prefer something smaller like a burger.
Avoid compromise. Negotiation is about each partner giving something in return for what the other is offering. It is not about opting for something neither of you really want. So if you want an Indian meal and your partner wants Italian, don’t compromise and go for Chinese. Instead you could suggest Italian this week and Indian next week. And if you have a gluten intolerance, make sure they have gnocchi on the menu!
Be proactive. If you know your partner well enough you will be able to suggest things they might like. But suggest, don’t manipulate. It is not all right to offer something you believe your partner ought to want.
Keep the relationship front and centre. The objective of negotiation in a relationship is to use a process which is relationally mindful to arrive at a choice which you can both support. In other words, do all of this with love and care. Remember you are negotiating with someone you love, and you want to go well for the two of you and for the relationship.
“Negotiation can be successful, but it isn’t always easy. So how can it be happy?” I hear you ask.
Do you really think that everything which is difficult has to be a cause of unhappiness?
This is not about whether or not negotiation will make you happy or unhappy. Nor is it about whether the results of the negotiation will affect your happiness.
It’s actually about the impact of our moods and emotions on the process of negotiation.
If you come to the negotiating table in a good mood, expecting it to be a happy process where you and your partner will be considering each other’s desires and preferences, and the health of your relationship, it will be successful.
And of course this brings us back to the importance of good self-care, and emotional self-regulation. When you have that in place you can come to the negotiating table in a calm, confident and happy mood.
The health of a relationship is not dependent on our differences, it is reflected in how we negotiate them. Loving, empathic negotiation will deepen your relationship as you learn to appreciate the nuances of what each of you wants and what happens when you share the project of becoming excellent and loving negotiators.
If you are having difficulty negotiating with your spouse or partner and you would appreciate some support with improving your negotiating skills, get in touch. You can book a free one-hour Relationship Renewal Clarity Call, and we can dig into what it is that you’re having trouble negotiating, what’s getting in the way of successful negotiation, and what you could do next to get better outcomes in negotiating with your partner in future.
The Scott Walker quotes are from in an interview with the Guardian published on May 22nd 2023.