A loving, healthy relationship is the best place to heal from our trauma. When we feel loved, safe and cherished, we can do the work of facing our biggest fears, and our feelings of anger, guilt and shame. And we can start to change the patterns of behaviour that may have been causing difficulties in our relationships in the past.
The deepest emotional healing work is done within relationships, where two heart-connected people see emotional triggers as clues, rather than judgments or feelings towards each other. A big part of this is the willingness to move from 'you make me so angry when you...' to 'I feel really angry when you...' This is about owning your emotions, rather than blaming them on your other half (or other people).
It is also much easier to be vulnerable, when we feel safe with that our partner. That safety and a willingness to be vulnerable creates an opportunity to explore thoughts and feelings we might have buried in the past.
As you start to explore your triggers and the original circumstances which created those triggers, you may find yourself examining patterns of thought and behaviour which might have seemed unacceptable before. This is part of the work of owning your shit.
I know that in the past when I got triggered, I would either rage and shout or collapse into helpless sobbing and a real sense of hopelessness. But now with my partner, I know that nothing I think or feel is unacceptable. He doesn't mind if I cry.
The anger is interesting. I rarely get angry with my partner, but I get angry about other things. And he is a safe place where I can explore why I get angry. It's easier to be angry and to accept that, without the raging and shouting. And I should say, he's not a coach, he's not a therapist, he's just a human being who has figured some stuff out about love and relationships.
In the safety of our relationship, I have been able to discover things about myself that I would not have had the courage to explore before I met him. For instance the anger I felt about being sent to boarding school and my role in the breakdown of my former marriage. But I've also become much more present to what's right in my life and what I have got going for me.
With my partner's support I have been able to own my shit and to be present in the here and now, instead of dwelling destructively on the past.
The power of presence and owning our shit is something I will be discussing with transformational coach, Sharon Baker, on Monday November 27th. We'll be taking a deep dive into the process of healing trauma within relationships and you can join us on Zoom to participate in the Q&A.
If you want to be there, use this button to register:
...and you will be able to watch the recording if you miss the live call.
Here's the url for registration, just in case the button doesn't work: https://www.sorrelpindar.co.uk/conversation-with-sharon-baker