Of course there's nothing special about people with boarding school syndrome.
Someone I know recently suggested that it’s not fair that people who went to boarding school should be given their own syndrome. After all it’s mostly privileged people who came from wealthy families and have done pretty well for themselves, thank you very much. And such people can afford privately-funded therapy.
Yes it’s true that many of us came from wealthy families (I didn’t), but no it’s not true that it’s a privilege.
Where’s the privilege in being deprived of the love and care of your parents for 40+ weeks of the year? And the feeling that you have been abandoned in this place where no-one knows what love and care even mean?
Where’s the privilege in being held captive in a space where you can’t escape the bullies? Or worse still the abuse.
Where’s the privilege in being separated from your siblings, pets, favourite clothes and toys? Just one cuddly toy allowed and a pair of jeans or casual ‘trews’ for weekend wear only.
But still why boarding school syndrome?
Because what I have just described – abandonment, bereavement, captivity – are special circumstances. And they give rise to specific symptoms, for instance:
Dissociation (inability to feel our feelings)
Addiction
Relationship breakdown
Codependency
Many of those symptoms will be familiar to people who did not go to boarding school. Nonetheless they had their origin in very specific circumstances of the boarding school experience.
Some people see boarding school syndrome as a particular form of PTSD. Or complex PTSD.
The childhood trauma expert, Bessel Van der Kolk has pointed out that many of his patients who had experienced childhood trauma were given diagnoses such as depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and schizophrenia. But these diagnoses did not refer in any way to the origins of the patient’s disorder. So he created a new diagnosis: developmental trauma disorder.
When we identify the cause of the problem we go some way towards resolving it.
My colleague, John Britton, and I are both boarding school survivors. I’m not sure either of us would have self-diagnosed with boarding school syndrome. But we can both see that some of our more dysfunctional behaviour patterns have their origins in boarding school.
When you notice that your partner or spouse is emotionally walled-off and finds it almost impossible to put feelings into words, it helps to know that this is a direct response to their boarding school experience. So even though at times they may be unable to listen kindly when you want to share something difficult, you can still feel compassion for them, because you know this started when they were a frightened child held captive in an institution without love or care.
It would be just the same if your spouse blamed you for everything that is wrong in their life and you knew that this was because they had been abused as a child.
It’s not always easy living with someone who experienced abuse as a child, and it’s not always easy living with a boarding school survivor either. It just helps to know when they behave really badly that it might be because they have boarding school syndrome. Similarly if you can see how your partner’s behaviour may be linked back to an experience of abandonment as a child, that can be helpful too.
And it’s also immensely helpful to know that they can change!
John and I are hosting a webinar on Wednesday at 7pm GMT. We’ll be talking about some of the difficulties people face when they have been abandoned as a child (whether or not that was into a boarding school). And we’ll explore some of the ways we have found to let go of those old behaviour patterns and update them with something more healthy and relationship-friendly.
Register here and you can join us on Zoom for our presentation and the Q&A which will follow. If you can’t make it to the webinar, register anyway and you’ll get access to the recording.