Did you know that yesterday, January 7th, is the peak day for post-Christmas break-ups?
I can’t tell you why that is. Maybe it’s that people wait to find out whether things will get better when they go back to work, and then realise that they didn’t.
Or perhaps it’s the time they spent trying to put things right and failing. And then gave up.
But think about it – when something fails to work, we know that it wasn’t the best way to solve the problem. That’s feedback.
I hope you’re not one of those who spent yesterday thinking about breaking up with their partner, but if you are I’d like to offer you something that should help.
The biggest trap we fall into is thinking that it’s not my fault, it’s his (or hers or theirs). And wishing they would change.
If only they would listen…
If only they would understand…
If only they would stop doing…
If only they would remember to…
Sound familiar?
That was me with my ex. I thought if only he would change. I still remember the day my friend said to me “You can’t change him Sorrel; you can only change yourself.” It wasn’t enough, but it was a start.
We can all change and the most obvious place to start is with communication, and learning to do it better.
Terry Real, the founder of the Relational Life Institute, talks about the Five Losing Strategies in relationships.
They are:
needing to prove that you’re right all the time
trying to control your partner
unbridled self-expression
retaliation
withdrawal
When we recognise what we're contributing to the conflict or the lack of trust, we can make a change and improve the communication between us.
If you want to find out more about the five losing strategies, you can download my one-page guide.
The antidote to the five losing strategies is relational mindfulness. This simply means that before you launch into an argument, an attempt at control or the urge to punish, you pause and ask yourself “is this going to be good for our relationship?”
It’s simple, but not always easy. There are two things which make it a little easier though.
First, understanding that the five losing strategies come from the part of you which evolved in childhood to keep you safe – your ‘adaptive child’. They don’t come from the wise adult part of you.
And secondly, that you can move from adaptive child to wise adult in three steps, ABC:
Acknowledge that you were about to do or say something from your adaptive child, which is likely to be injurious to your relationship
Breathe – just take a breath to help you calm yourself
Choose – this is the point where you decide you want to act from your wise adult and do or say something loving
It takes practice, persistence and commitment, and it helps if you’re taking care of yourself as well. This means making sure you're taking care of your own needs - for sleep, good food, quiet time alone. When you're rested and replenished it's much easier to do the difficult things like admitting you might have been wrong or simply listening to what your other half has to say.
Remember the oxygen mask? You put it on you first.
So I wish you a happy, peaceful and relationally mindful 2024!