Do you speak harshly to yourself? If so listen to these words from couples therapist, Terry Real.
“There is no redeeming value in harshness. There’s nothing harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better.”
If you speak harshly to yourself, I understand. It’s a habit I am still in the process of changing in myself.
I know now that my harsh inner voice – my inner critic if you like – is something I created in response to what I experienced as a child. I don’t recall my parents being harsh with me, but I do remember them being harsh with each other and sometimes with my sisters. So the harsh voice was part of the background noise growing up.
I was the eldest child and I’m like many other women I know who were the eldest child. We were the responsible ones, the ones who comforted younger siblings and sometimes our parents, and we often acted as mediators or go-betweens when there was conflict.
This role which is so often adopted by the eldest child, is sometimes known as the Hero Child, and it’s not confined to women.
The hero child adapts to difficulties or disorder in their family by becoming super-competent at everything – they’re very helpful at home, they mind and care for their younger siblings; they excel academically or at sports – or both; they’re responsible and sensible. The hero child seems to have been born grown up.
But they are people-pleasers. And this is just one of the difficulties and drawbacks of having to live up to such high expectations. Many hero children will have given up their childhood, taking responsibility for younger siblings and working to high expectations academically.
I recognise that in myself – with two sisters who were four and five & half years younger than me; and being the child who went to university and then on to post-graduate studies with the expectation that I would get a PhD and become a university lecturer.
It’s only now looking back on my childhood and the boarding school experience that I have realised that I was a hero child. I have that deep feeling of loss and sadness which I could not account for in the past.
In fact I tick almost all the boxes, except that I never excelled at sports!
Teachers and parents generally view a hero child as the model pupil, but their own success traps the child in a vicious cycle of trying to be the best. The best is a lonely place to be and we end up concealing feelings of loneliness and never feeling good enough. There may be unexpressed anger about the pressure, and when feelings of depression result, work is the obvious distraction and so we work ever harder to cover it up.
Low self-esteem and feelings of not being good can become the hero child’s main driver: being a loner who seldom recognises their own skills and abilities. They can’t trust their judgment, so they rely on the opinions of others to tell them how they’re doing.
And there is often another problem for hero children: they remember only what they didn’t do, the things they couldn’t fix or control. They see their failures, but not their successes. And the things they wouldn’t try because of their fear of failure.
They end up masking their feelings of loneliness, loss, anger and resentment at not being listened to, not being heard and having to be too grown up too soon.
If you were a hero child, you may live with a deep sorrow over the loss of your childhood. You may find it easy to be serious and task-oriented, but have a hard time lightening up or being playful. You may have an intense need to be in control at all times, and feel panicky if you ever feel that you are losing control of anything.
Harshness in the hero child
As adults, hero children are exceptionally self-reliant and they judge themselves without mercy.
Hero children can be really hard on themselves. This is in part because, while we may try to conceal it, we tend to be highly judgmental people. And we don’t just judge other people, we are constantly judging ourselves.
We also often have a perfectionist streak. We have real difficulty tolerating our own imperfections. And while we can be harsh toward the imperfections of others, we may be even harsher toward the imperfections we see in ourselves.
As adults, hero children tend to be regimented in their own lives and can be controlling towards others. This can sometimes amount to coercive perfectionism. The sense of being in control seems essential simply because it was essential to their survival when they were children.
Behind that mask of calm, strength or confidence there is usually a frightened and lonely child inside that they dare not acknowledge, even to themselves. Since they’re used to feeling loved, not for who they are, but for what they can accomplish, they’re afraid that their inner vulnerability and insecurity will be seen by others and result in contempt and rejection.
So if you are a hero child, you may feel an intense need to be in control at all times, and you may get panicky when you sense that you are losing control of something. You fear the judgement of others and you probably speak harshly to yourself.
The hero child in relationships
It’s obvious that much of what I have described will be a hand grenade thrown into a relationship. Nobody likes to be controlled, micro-managed or criticised and judged harshly when they get things wrong.
And yet the hero child finds it so hard to let go of that need to be right and to control their other half.
Furthermore, hero children also have difficulty having fun (after all, there is always something that needs to be done).
We take ourselves very seriously and it’s hard to have fun when you’re so busy being responsible and right. So the fun that others have, the easy laughter and the ability to relax is usually missing in hero children, and may be an object of their jealousy or judgment when they see it in others.
If your relationship is suffering, look to yourself first.
Are you being harsh with yourself?
Are you taking so much responsibility you have no time for fun or pleasure?
Have you been giving your inner critic, your inner perfectionist full rein?
Do you feel panicky or just uncomfortable when you’re not in control?
Do you fear the judgment of others?
If you’ve answered yes to two or more of these questions then it is time to start being sweet to yourself.
Self-esteem simply means holding yourself with love and kindness even when you have screwed up or let yourself or someone else down.
When you catch yourself speaking harshly to yourself, take a breath and speak from a different voice – the voice of the part of you which loves you. And believe me that part is in there too, alongside your hero child, your inner critic, and your inner control freak.
It may not feel natural to be kind to yourself. And you may have to keep repeating the exercise over and over again. But with enough practice it will get easier.
This is part of the process of self-care which makes it easier to step up in your relationships – with your other half, with your children, your family and your friends.
If you would like to find out more about the self-care piece, you can download my guide to relationship renewal, Three Steps to a Magical Relationship.
Or for 1-2-1 support in the process, get in touch. You can book a Clarity Call, and I will spend an hour with you as you explore how you would like your relationship to be, what’s holding you back and what your next steps could be.