For many of us who went to boarding school, we lived for the end of term and then for the very last day. And the day we left, we put it all behind us.
Or so we thought.
But the impact of a difficult time at boarding school can last for decades. It left me with anxiety, depression, an overwhelming fear of abandonment, a need to prove that I’m right and to be in control almost all the time, and a series of broken relationships.
For other people, particularly men, the impact is often a profound emotional shutdown, an inability to express their feelings and real difficulties with intimacy.
This is what has come to be known as boarding school syndrome.
It was psychotherapist, Joy Schaverien, who first identified and named this cluster of emotional states and behaviours that she observed in clients who were ex-boarders.
She also noticed that there were four characteristics of the boarding school experience which made survivors of these schools prone to developing boarding school syndrome:
Abandonment
Bereavement
Captivity
Disassociation
The disassociation is the child’s response to the pain and hurt which arise from the experience, but it becomes so embedded in the child’s character that by the time we leave school, we don’t even notice it.
How we heal boarding school syndrome
But after many years of living from my own version of boarding school syndrome, I’ve been able to recognise and change these patterns in myself, and I know that other boarding school survivors can too.
There is a place where we can heal more easily from childhood trauma and change those dysfunctional patterns. And that place is a close, loving relationship. Intimacy enables us to heal and change. The only problem is that for many of us intimacy is really frightening.
Ex-boarders have difficulties with relationships because of this fear of intimacy. But that may not be immediately obvious. Recognising that you might be part of the problem is the first step.
This was my first step. Even though I couldn’t see what I was doing wrong, I was prepared to admit the possibility that I might be doing something that was hurting my partner or contributing to the rift in our relationship.
Perhaps it was brave of me. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I wanted to make sure that if I had been contributing to our mutual unhappiness, I wouldn’t do it again in a future relationship.
The first thing I did notice was my dysfunctional independence, which made it very difficult to discuss things with him if I expected to receive a “No.” And I could see how that had arisen at boarding school!
The safety and security I have experienced with my new partner has made it possible to really dig into what else I was doing ‘wrong’. I know now that it wasn’t that there was anything wrong with me; the problem was in my survival personality. And I also knew that I am not my personality! That’s just the shell I grew to keep me safe at school (and in my family).
If you think that your boarding school experience may have led you to develop a survival personality or indeed you notice some aspects of boarding school syndrome, I want you to know that you can change! The fact that you created that survival personality means that you can adapt, declutter and reconfigure it.
If you are in a committed relationship, you can do this as you move towards greater intimacy with your partner. And if you’re single you can still do it with the loving support of friends and family.
My free e-book, coming home: Beyond Boarding School Survival, offers insights and strategies to move beyond the label of 'boarding school survivor.' Whether you've felt the weight of separation or the struggle to belong, this free download provides a roadmap to healing and empowerment.
Unpack your emotions, explore the impact of 'boarding school syndrome,' and discover pathways to reclaim your narrative.
Download your copy now and start your journey toward personal growth and greater intimacy.