Today is the Winter Solstice (in case you didn't know) and that means the days will start to get longer, here in the northern hemisphere.
This year I want to do something different for the Solstice; shake things up a bit.
Every year, around New Year, I write about how I don’t agree with New Year's resolutions. Because it seems that we set ourselves up to fail.
So this year I want to suggest thinking about a Solstice resolution or a Christmas resolution – or a holiday resolution?
Did you know that every January there are many couples who come out of the holidays having decided that it’s time to separate or divorce?
But how do we go into the holidays? Expecting that we’ll fall out with our mate and even that it’ll end up in divorce? Isn’t that just setting ourselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Forget the New Year's resolutions - the diets, the gym and phoning your parents once a week. What about simply starting the holiday with an intention? Maybe the intention to keep your relationship with your other half front and centre in your consciousness?
This is simply the practice of relational mindfulness. Like any practice, it gets better the more we do it.
So you can ask yourself questions like:
Is it more important to prove that I’m right in this situation or to protect and nurture my relationship?
What would serve my relationship best now? An angry outburst or loving forgiveness (even if there is no apology)?
What’s the best I can do for my relationship at this moment – to withdraw gracefully (ie without slamming the door) or to stay and speak calmly about what I need?
Sometimes it may seem like you’re putting yourself last, but that is not the intention. The point of this practice is that you are protecting something which is important to you (just as you would care for the fabric of your house or flat).
Yes sometimes it does mean putting your relationship ahead of your petty self-interest. And that’s good because you’ve recognised that this particular sticking point is just that – petty self-interest. And sometimes it means giving up something you really want because you know that you simply can’t stay in relationship if you don’t.
But what's more important? That thing - whatever sort of thing it is - or a loving connection with your partner?
So remember the intention here is to nurture the relationship, and that means considering what you need, what your partner needs and what the relationship needs. And searching for the sweet spot where all of them overlap.
What do you need, what does your partner need, and most important of all, what does your relationship need from you this holiday?
And what can you do now to help make all of this possible?
It might be that you need to start by focusing on your own self-care so that you find it easier to be relationally mindful - you can read more about that in my e-book, Three Steps to a Magical Relationship.
And if you are truly concerned about your partner's commitment, as I said to a client the other day, plant and nurture the seed of connection in your partner so that the idea of divorce seems absurd.