Authenticity and self-acceptance - the mask & the true self

Who are you really behind the mask?

In my work with boarding school survivors, the mask comes up a lot. This is the mask we created when we were sent away - it kept us safe through all those years at boarding school. But it's not just ex-boarders who created a mask.

To some of us it may seem that there is nothing behind the mask, that the mask is who I am. But stop, think: do you have just one mask? Or do you have multiple masks? Let's try a different word: 'persona'. You probably have a different persona when you are at work from the one you present to your partner, and maybe another one for your parents. You might see these as different aspects of your self - parts maybe or completely different selves.

So maybe you think that's who you are this - collection of masks or personae or parts. And that's all you are. But if you're going to be true to yourself, which of these masks is really you? Or is it any of them?

So who are you behind the mask?

In fact a better question to ask is "Who created all these masks?" Because that's the answer to the question of who you are behind the mask.

The masks we create are designed to protect us from hurt and pain. It starts in childhood wanting to please our parents - to keep their love and ensure that we don't make them angry. So we create a protective layer or mask which allows us to survive in the face of disapproval and anger.

The problem with this is that the mask represents an invalidation or an abandonment of who we truly are. And with each moment of fear we add more layers to the mask. This may be as a response to an abusive relationship or to a close friend or a job which isn't congruent with our values.

Authenticity is simply about being true to oneself. But being authentic takes a degree of courage, because of the fear that we will offend or anger someone else.

We may end up engaging in patterns of behaviour which are really incongruent with who we feel ourselves to be at the core. Or it may be that you no longer have a clear idea of who you are. But it's important to remember that these patterns or masks served you in the past - they were the best thing you could do in the circumstances. And when we realise that a mask isn't serving us any more, we can let it go and start to discover who we truly are.

Being authentic involves accepting who you are

When it comes to self-acceptance, it can be about both who we truly are and the masks we have created. Because it was you who created that mask, so if you don't accept the mask, you also reject its creator. However you can say, "I recognise that I created this mask in order to feel safe, and I did a good job and it did keep me safe. And now I can let it go because it is no longer serving me."

To return to the question of who you truly are: "What am I actually like? How can I find out? and will I even like myself?" My answer to this is it's a journey we are all on. So it's a question of accepting yourself even when you're not sure what you are actually like behind that mask. 

But that's the easy bit. Because at the most fundamental level - the spiritual level - we are all part of something much bigger: the Divine, the Universe, the Creator, the Field -call it what you will. There is nothing not to accept about that. Who you truly are is perfect.

As you peel away the masks, you find yourself closer to the gold inside you.

If you're struggling to let go of old patterns or a mask that is no longer serving you, please do get in touch - I'd love to help. You can contact me on hello@sorrelpindar.co.uk