Find Your More: The Blog - More Love, More Resilience

When relationships become stuck, it's tempting to search for the next communication technique, self-help book or expert with the perfect answer. But lasting change rarely comes from a magic bullet. It grows from the way two people learn to understand each other and create solutions that fit their unique relationship. In this article, I share a simple seven-step framework for repairing dysfunctional relationship patterns, explain why curiosity and compassion matter more than blame, and introduce the idea of the "magic apple tree": the relational wisdom that develops when couples work together to create their own ways of staying connected. Outside tools can provide a helpful starting point, but the strongest relationships are built on the creativity, trust and collaboration that emerge from within the relationship itself.

Many of us wear protective "masks" or personae - a survival strategy usually created in childhood or in response to hostile environments like boarding school - to keep us safe from pain and disapproval. However, these masks can create a state of disconnection from our true selves. Authenticity requires the courage to peel back these layers, in spite of our fear of what others will think. True self-acceptance means honouring the masks for how they once served us, rather than rejecting them. Ultimately, beneath these protective patterns lies your true, unshakeable core. If you are ready to safely let go of a mask that no longer serves you, reach out today.

In this post, I explore the psychological impact of a boarding school education, particularly how the neglect - in fact the repression - of the emotional self forces children to develop a "Strategic Survival Personality." While this adaptation helps children cope with family separation and institutional life - often through dissociation or fierce independence - it severely hinders adult relationships by creating a fear of intimacy, poor emotional regulation and an inability to trust others. I share my personal journey of overcoming this trauma by dismantling my "victim" mindset. Ultimately, I emphasise that personality is adaptable; with support or self-reflection, we can heal, consciously recreate our character, and move from survival to healthy, interdependent relationships.

If you're in a relationship with a man who went to boarding school, you may find yourself wondering why he seems to shut down just when you need him most. The answer usually comes down to one thing: safety. In this post I share the relationship patterns I most commonly see in ex-boarders, why the instinct to push for more connection so often backfires, and a practical seven-step plan for creating the conditions in which he can gradually open up. This is a slow process, and it isn't a linear one. But with patience, curiosity, and compassion, change is possible.

What happened when you arrived at boarding school the very first time? That first hour at school might be seared into your memory or you may not have any memory of it at all. But there was a moment when you said goodbye to your parents and became a ‘boarding school child’. The child who had to grow up quickly and learn to look after herself. In those first days, boarding school was a steep learning curve. There was no room for that Innocent Child. The only way to survive was to create a new persona – someone with no vulnerability, no feelings, no needs.

For years I have thought of my True Self as being located somewhere inside me. I don’t mean like literally inside my body – but definitely inside me. It never occurred to me that this might be a misrepresentation. But there’s a problem with this way of thinking about the True Self – for me at least, it contributes to a sense of being separate. And the whole point of this spiritual approach is that we are not separate – we are all part of the wholeness of everything. When I saw the True Self as being inside, I saw it as being hidden away inside the walls that we create as children to keep ourselves safe. As if the True Self needs protection. As if!

Some ex-boarders find a lot of things hard. There’s a long list of things we boarding school survivors complain of, including: anxiety, dissociation, addiction, depression, difficulties with vulnerability & intimacy, and with relationships. But there is one thing which seems to be foundational to all of these – simply not feeling safe. When I asked the members of The Tuck Shop (my online community for ex-boarders) what they would like to focus on first, the majority of them identified safety. So that’s where we started.

Infants and children naturally expect love. We reach out to our parents and they respond with love. So what happens when that love is suddenly taken away? What happens when a child is sent away – at the age of six or eight, or 11 or 13 – to an institution which is devoid of love? At the age at which we found ourselves abandoned in a boarding school, our peers – no matter how friendly they were – could not provide the love we received at home. There was no one to give you a hug, sit you on her lap, tell you a story or hoist you onto his shoulders. So what did you put in the place of love?

This week I’ve been in recovery mode… From a weekend which was brutal, gruelling and exhausting. I was on a weekend workshop for women ex-boarders. During those two days I revisited my own time at boarding school and I listened to 13 other women share about theirs. I'm not sure which was harder to be honest. To go back to memories like these is only worth it if you know you’ll be able to process them and move on. The moving on – I hope – will happen at the second weekend of this course at the end of March. But what can I share with you?

The best gift you can give your beloved for Valentine’s Day isn’t roses or chocolates or a candle-lit dinner. The candles will soon burn down, the dinner will be reduced to dirty glasses and plates, the chocolates may last more than a night, but they’ll be gone within a week. If you’re the couple who still does something for Valentine’s Day, even though the rest of the year it’s a bit tense, then you haven’t given up. In that case, the best gift you can give your partner is the work you do on yourself. But maybe you’ve not yet figured out how to do that.

Where will you be on St Valentine’s Day​? Will you be out celebrating with your partner? Or sitting at home together saying ‘bah humbug – it’s so commercialised’. Or will you be sitting at home in separate spaces thinking ‘there’s no point – the spark has gone out.’ If it’s the third option, maybe you've given up trying. You never seem to agree on anything and you get triggered on a daily basis. It seems like nothing you do makes a difference. But if you really want to make this relationship work, read on...

In last week's blog post I talked about how childhood experiences can shape a 'Hero Child'. Hero Children were the responsible ones, the ones who comforted younger siblings and sometimes our parents. In adulthood this tends to show up as perfectionism, having to control everything and the tendency to be harshly critical. It’s obvious that much of this will be like a hand grenade thrown into a relationship. Nobody likes to be controlled or criticised and judged harshly when they get things wrong. Read on to discover how you can soften these Hero Child traits in yourself.