How can I get my partner to step up and give me what I need?

I don’t know how many times I have heard this complaint from clients:

“I’ve tried everything. Nothing I say makes any difference. I don’t want to keep nagging, but if I don’t nag nothing happens.”

It can be about mundane household tasks like putting things away or it can be about big things like honesty and integrity.

Perhaps we’re all still caught up in the culture of our parents and grandparents – believing that people only do what we want them to if we punish them for not doing it.

So when you realise that your partner is being evasive and hiding something from you, what do you do? Or when yet again the milk has been left out and gone sour, what do you do?

There are a few common tactics that don’t work so well:

• Shouting and screaming because they forgot to put the milk in the fridge

• Complaining that ‘you always forget to put things away’

• Pushing and probing to uncover the truth they’re hiding from you

• Criticising them because what they did wasn’t up to your standards

• Punishing them by withdrawing emotionally for not giving you what you want

None of these tactics work because they create distance between you. They’re all based in judgement and no one likes to feel judged.

Most likely the tactic you most often adopt is something you learned from your parents. So even if you’ve realised that it’s not very effective and it’s pushing your partner away, be compassionate with yourself – right now it’s the only tool in your toolbox. What you need is some self-compassion and more effective tools.

New tools that work

1. The most important tool – the foundation of everything else – is compassion and curiosity. That may sound like two things, but they combine into a real power tool.

   Be curious about your own reactions when you don’t get what you want, and be compassionate with yourself as you ask yourself that question.

   Be curious and compassionate with your partner. What makes it so hard for them to give you what you want? Might it be something you can change? You can’t change what happened yesterday or last year or when your partner was a child. But you can change what you do next.

2. Abandon complaint and start making requests. When we complain about what people do or don’t do, we are implicitly – or explicitly – criticising them. No one likes being criticised in that way. If you make a request you give your partner the opportunity to give you something. And be prepared to hear a 'No'.

3. Make sure you’re in a good feeling. If you only speak up when you’re angry or upset it’s harder to express yourself with kindness and compassion. So wait until your nervous system has settled and you’re not feeling activated anymore. Then go ahead and speak.

4. Ask questions that will help. For instance ‘what would make it easier for you to remember to put things away?’ or ‘what makes it so hard for you to be honest with me?’ And remember this is about compassionate curiosity, not judgement or punishment.

5. Accept what your partner offers, whether that’s an apology, a promise to do better or an attempt at remedy. Even if it feels like a glass which is only 10% full, treat it as if it is half-full. Acknowledging what you’ve received means you’ll get more of it.

When you feel really stuck

Sometimes it can feel like even with the new tools, you’re still not making progress. In that case there are three questions to ask yourself:

Is there progress and I’m not seeing it?

If the answer to this question is yes, then you might want to keep a record of when your partner steps up so that you have some evidence. The brain works on predictions and will see what it expects to see based on what it’s seen before. Very often we don’t notice more subtle changes because we only see what we expect to see. So you need some evidence to set against your predictive brain.

Might there be a reason outside of our relationship which is making it hard for my partner to step up?

If the answer to this second question is yes, you might want to explore this with your partner. Again make sure you’re in a good feeling. Don’t bring it up when one of you is angry or upset.

You can ask about stresses outside the relationship, such as work, parents, etc. It may be that your partner needs some time to replenish when they get in from work in order to be on the ball with household tasks. Or they may need to offload about something which they’re finding difficult. And you may both have this need, so it’s important to find balance. Sometimes you need more replenishment, sometimes your partner will need it more and sometimes you both need it, in which case you both need to tread carefully.

Is there something in the past which is getting in the way of my partner showing up in the relationship?

You can encourage your partner to talk about what it was like growing up. For instance evasiveness can be a childhood pattern which develops in response to a controlling parent. If they’re willing to talk, you don’t need to say much – people are good at finding their way when they have the chance to explore as they talk.

If it feels like the right thing to do, you might point out some parallels. For instance ‘so when I get angry I remind you of your Mum and then you kind of want to run and hide. Is that it?’

When I’m working with couples I may point out to one of the two that it’s as if they’re seeing their partner through the lens of a previous partner or a parent. Being on the receiving end of someone else’s anger activates a part of the brain which puts us on the defensive and we end up resorting to that strategy we developed as a child.

The child who went to boarding school is a bit of a special case: there are dynamics related to their parents – school holiday patterns – and there are dynamics related to school – term-time patterns. And then there are dynamics related to the choice their parents made in deciding to send them away. Unpicking all of these dynamics is far from easy and requires bottomless compassion as well as a big dose of curiosity.

If you are an ex-boarder or your partner is an ex-boarder, you can find out more about these dynamics in a masterclass I’m hosting on December 17th, Beyond Survival: Reconnecting With the Self Behind the Mask.