Coaching for boarding school survivors
No matter whether we were miserable or happy at boarding school, the experience of those years away from home will have left a legacy. For many of us the true extent of that legacy only becomes apparent in our 40s or 50s. It will have remained hidden all that time.
If you are here, it's likely because you've started to notice some patterns in your life which reflect that legacy. So welcome.
You may believe that you're broken. But you're not- you're very much alive and capable of growth and transformation on a scale undreamed of. You can heal the wounds of early separation from your family and you can heal the rifts in your relationships.
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You might be wondering whether you are suffering from boarding school syndrome. Or you may never have heard of this particular diagnosis.
So let's be clear. Boarding School Syndrome is the name given to a cluster of symptoms and traits which are characteristic of some people who went to boarding school. It was first identified by psychotherapist, Joy Schaverien, in her work with boarding school survivors, and is described in her book Boarding School Syndrome.
It's a long list and I won't list all of the symptoms here, but this is a taste:
anxiety
depression
difficulties with relationships
addiction
over-working
feeling shut down from your feelings
abandonment issues
dissociation
If you've noticed some of these in yourself (or if your partner has), then yes maybe you are suffering from boarding school syndrome. The good news is that it can be changed.
Whenever children find themselves in a frightening or challenging situation they find a way to adapt so that they can keep themselves safe. The adaptations we created at boarding school included things like never crying in front of other children, holding in our emotions and throwing ourselves into activities that would distract us from our feelings - such as sport or our studies. Some of us learned to hold others at arms length so that we wouldn't have to re-experience the pain of abandonment.
Over the years at school these adaptations came to form aspects of our character. This is what the psychotherapist Nick Duffell calls a strategic survival personality. It may come to seem like it is just who we are. But human character or personality can change - there is enormous plasticity in the brain, and all these traits or characteristics are encoded in our neurology.
Matthew
Boarding school affects us in different ways. Your survival personality will show up in your relationships as a particular relational style. Are you curious about how your childhood experiences might be shaping your current relationships? Do you struggle to navigate tricky emotions or wonder how to foster deeper connection with your partner? Understanding your unique relationship profile can be the key to developing healthier dynamics and ultimately more love. Take the Ex-Boarders' Relationship Profile and discover valuable insights about yourself. Ready to explore? Take the quiz now:
You may have already tried therapy and it may have helped, but there's further to go on your journey. Or you may just be starting out. Either way I can help you.
There are two ways in which I can help you. I can offer you one-to-one coaching or couples coaching if your partner wishes to join with you in the process. Couples coaching often has the edge on 1-to-1 work because your partner may see things in you that you can't see yourself. And your partner will be able to report on your progress! Sometimes our partners see our progress more clearly than we do.
Here are some things that will help you on your journey:
If you would like me to work with you and your partner as a couple...
The years your spent at boarding school will have shaped you in ways that may be impacting your relationships in adulthood.
In order to really explore the way your boarding school 'survival traits' are showing up in your relationship, it helps if I can meet with you and your partner at the same time.
If you are married to a boarding school survivor, this call is for you too. We can look at ways to support you in your relationship with your partner. And if your partner prefers not to come, that's ok, we can work on this together.
I have just finished Sorrel’s six week course for the partners of ex-boarders.
For years I have struggled alone, with the impact that early boarding has had on my partner of 40 years. Sorrel’s warmth and wisdom and insight was truly like balm to my soul. I felt validated, appreciated and understood.
I am so grateful to Sorrel for recognising the need to share information and understanding about the devastating impact on so many children sent to boarding school. For it is only when this impact is acknowledged, that the necessary work can begin to repair the relational wounds that were sustained in these institutions and continue to wreak havoc in adult relationships.
Sorrel explained clearly and in depth, how a child or young person is affected by the separation from family and loved ones, and shared information and tools to begin the process of how to become more relational with each other.
Thank you Sorrel. I am eternally grateful to you. Please keep shining your light and sharing your wisdom!
John Britton is a coach and mentor, with over 30 years experience of teaching, directing and performing, during which he developed his unique approach, "Self-With-Others." John went to boarding school from the age of eight. In this interview, talked about how his experiences at boarding school played out in his adult life.
If you're looking for something a bit special, you may want to find out more about this coaching approach which my colleague, John Britton, and I have created.
Journey to Belonging is a coaching organisation for people who attended Boarding School and still carry unresolved consequences.
It’s for you if you have noticed any of the following traits in yourself:
Distrustful. Disconnected. Isolated. Self-Doubting. Deep sadness. Cynicism. Overwork. Reluctance to commit. Dysfunctional independence. Overwhelming need to be right.
You can work with John or myself on a flexible basis, so that you get the best that each of us has to offer.
Remember I too am a boarding school survivor, so I may have some answers you never considered!
Email me: hello@sorrelpindar.co.uk
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