How Can I Change the Way I Am in My Relationship?

People often believe that they can't change. Or that if they do change they will no longer be themselves. You know the saying “the leopard can never change his spots” – or hers presumably.

But strangely we often expect that others can and should change. In particular we all want our partners to change. In a relationship it can seem like your partner will never change.

It is so tempting to try and change the other person’s behaviour or to try to get them to change their mind. But the truth is that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself.

The good news is that when I change, I bring others along with me.

Change is a normal part of life

Of course it’s a nonsense to suggest that people never change. Change is a normal part of everyday life.

We all change repeatedly just in the course of a day. For instance many of us feel anxious when we wake up. It's as if the first thought that enters our heads is 'what might go wrong today?' If that's familiar to you it's worth remembering that feelings only persist when we feed them. If you feel anxious and you feed the anxiety with more anxious thoughts it will grow. If you feel sad and you feed the sadness with sad thoughts it will grow. And if you feel joyful and you feed in more joyful thoughts that will grow too.

I used to wake up in the morning feeling depressed, which used to worry me because I have a history of depression stretching back to my 20s. Then one day I realised that most days I felt better once I'd eaten breakfast, so I stopped worrying about it. After a while I noticed that I'd stopped feeling depressed on waking.

Change happens when we shift focus from one thing to another. So if for instance you notice you're feeling annoyed or frustrated and you know there's nothing you can do about the cause of your frustration, you can shift your focus to something you're grateful for. That allows the change to happen faster because you're no longer dwelling on the cause of the frustration.

But what about the big changes?

We all have patterns of behaviour which persist over long periods of time, and they can seem difficult to change. But we can change them; it just takes a degree of consciousness about what we're doing. We start by making a conscious choice to do things differently.

If you want to change a habit which is getting in the way of closeness in your relationship, you can use the ABC method:

A. Awareness - be aware of what you were about to do or say that would be hurtful or demeaning for instance

B. Breath - take one or two long, slow breaths to create a pause in which you can shift direction

C. Choice - choose to do things differently - maybe make a request instead of complaining

The more you practise this, the easier it becomes. Eventually it starts to feel like second nature. You will have changed, but you will still be you! More of your best self.

These are some of the things I have been able to change in myself:

• My overwhelming need to be right all the time – I now realise I often get things wrong, so I don’t assume I’m right any more (well, not so much of the time anyway).

• My last-word-itis – this was actually harder to change. I notice a discomfort when I don’t have the last word in a discussion. But I can cope with that. And the pay-off is immense – people love it when you let them have the last word!

• Defensiveness – this was one of the first things I worked on when I wanted to upgrade my relationships. I can honestly say I am much better at accepting criticism than I used to be, and I’m more willing to admit when I’ve got things wrong, both with my partner and with other people I’m close to.

And what I’ve noticed is that as I’ve softened so has everyone else.

What would happen in your life if you changed your own approach to the people you love?

How would your partner respond if you were to be less defensive and more open to listening to their experience?

And what would change if you considered the likelihood that you get things wrong sometimes?

And the really big changes?

The really big changes – becoming more confident, a better communicator, more loving and connected, more able to enjoy your life - these all follow on from the small changes.

Perhaps change in relationships is more like building a bridge, an old-fashioned stone bridge, which is built block by block until it spans the gap between the two of you and you can meet in the middle.