How can we repair a relationship which is no longer close and loving?

Is there a recipe for a successful relationship?

I think us humans are always looking for the magic bullet that will fix our problems – whether those problems be anxiety, back pain or a conflict-ridden relationship.

I’m not judging this. It’s a natural human response to the challenges we face. It just isn’t very helpful. In some of the couples I work with it often takes an interesting shape, along the lines of ‘How can you help me make him/her/them change?’ In other words the client wants a magic bullet to fix a problem in their partner.

There is no magic bullet that will do this. No one can make anyone else change. The only person you can change is yourself. And there’s no magic bullet for that either.

But there is something I can help you uncover – less of a magic bullet and more of a magic apple tree.

A 7-step recipe for repairing a relationship that's got stuck

This is my recipe for repairing a dysfunctional relationship. It will work as long as both of you want to repair and you’re both willing to take responsibility for your own part in the dysfunctional patterns which are showing up.

1. Start with an agreement that:

• You are going to work on this together, as a team.

• You will avoid blaming, shaming and making each other feel guilty.

• You both recognise that this will take time and that it’s ok to make mistakes.

2. Figure out what the repeating patterns are in your relationship – the 'dance' of your dysfunction – that lead to conflict or distance between you.

3. Be curious about the reasons behind these behaviours which make up the dance. When did you first start doing these things and why? It may be that you’ll need to go back to memories of very early childhood to find their origins.

4. When you feel safe to do so, share what you learned about the childhood origins of those behaviours. These patterns of behaviour kept you safe as children; they just aren’t serving you now.

5. Be compassionate to yourself and your partner.

6. Use any tools which you find helpful. That could be relational mindfulness, structured time outs or deep listening.

7. Nurture your relational wisdom – this is your apple tree. It’s the inner creativity from which you generate new ideas for moving into more closeness (more about this below).

Tools to help you be more relational

There are any number of tools couples can use. You don’t have to use all of them, and in fact I’ve always found that the most effective tools are the ones we create ourselves.

Geoff and Patty (not their real names) are one of the couples I’ve worked with. Like many of my clients, Geoff was at boarding school from the age of 8. School was traumatic for him and to protect himself he created an impenetrable shell – an ‘armoured self’. Patty had the common complaint of the wives of boarding school survivors: “I just can’t get through to him.”

During the time I worked with Patty & Geoff I helped them uncover the ‘losing strategies’ they were using in their attempts at communication, and I taught them some tools they could use to make their communication more relational.

But the most effective tools were the ones they created for themselves. Because they both wanted to make it easier for Geoff to stay present when he was feeling triggered by Patty – they had to agree a way in which Patty could let him know she wanted to speak to him.

They came up with a method which felt right for both of them. This was what I think of as an apple from the apple tree.

The tools we learn from books, courses and YouTube videos are like the apples that we buy from a shop or the market. But there is an infinite source of tool-apples – the ones that fall from our own apple tree.

You can start with the tools you learn from outside sources – they serve as a sort of scaffolding which helps you stay relational. But eventually you’ll discover that you have an inner source of ideas about how to make your relationship work better for both of you. That’s the magic apple tree.

When you work together collaboratively to create new ways of staying in relationship you deepen the connection between you, through the collaboration. That’s what I mean by nurturing your relational wisdom - it feeds your apple tree.

If you would like help nurturing your apple tree - your relational wisdom - book a call. It's complimentary and I'll spend an hour with you helping you to identify what's gone wrong in your relationship and the best next steps to start repair.