Is Your Love Life Stuck on Repeat? It Might Be Your Attachment Style

In a recent conversation, a divorce lawyer told me how sometimes she will see the same client three, four or even five times, while others will only ever get divorced once.

The difference between these two clients? It's pretty much down to whether they take time out between relationships to explore what their own role was in the breakdown of the marriage. That usually means at least 18 months...

The rinse and repeat divorces happen when the person goes straight from one relationship to another without pausing for breath.

There are many things we can reflect on when we are between relationships: for instance self-esteem, communication patterns and attachment style. And actually it's helpful to reflect on all of these when we are in a relationship if it's not going so well.

The Four Attachment Styles

It's generally considered that there are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. I should say here that we all combine elements of all four styles. What's important is the balance between them. Your predominant attachment style will carry the greatest weight in your romantic relationships.

I took the Attachment Styles Quiz today and this pie chart shows my mix of styles. (Ambivalent is the same as Anxious). As you can see I'm not even 50% secure! But I know where the avoidant style comes from, and I'm still working on building the secure part of me.

Our attachment styles are formed in our family of origin in response to the relationships we experienced with our caregivers. In the posts to follow I'll be talking about each style in more depth.

Secure Attachment Style

Secure attachment simply means that you feel trust and safety in your relationships. People with a secure attachment style feel supported and connected, they can express their emotions freely and seek comfort from their partner.

Anxious Attachment Style

An anxious attachment style is characterised by a fear of abandonment. If you have an anxious attachment style you'll feel a strong need for reassurance, and you'll be afraid of too much independence in your relationships. People with this kind of attachment style are often described as love dependents because of their dependence on their partner's love and approval for their own self-esteem.

If you notice that you feel insecure, you worry about rejection or you're clingy and needy with your partner, you may have an anxious attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment Style

Avoidant attachment can be really confusing for both partners. With this attachment style the person seeks intimacy but is unable to tolerate too much. This sets up a push-pull scenario. They may start with seduction (the pull phase), drawing the other person in. But they quickly find the other's emotional needs overwhelming and move into the push phase, distancing themself from their partner.

If you find yourself being overwhelmed by your partner's needs you may have an avoidant attachment style. Similarly if you have difficulty expressing your feelings or you are dismissive of displays of emotion, you probably have an avoidant attachment style.

Disorganised Attachment Style

The fourth attachment style is disorganised attachment. This is the most difficult attachment style. It's most often seen in people who were physically, emotionally or sexually abused as children. This style develops because the child’s caregivers – their only source of safety – are also a source of fear.

In adulthood this person wants to belong; they crave love and closeness. But on the other hand, they're afraid to let anyone in, because of the fear of being hurt by the people closest to them. People with this attachment style are extremely inconsistent in their behaviour and find it very difficult to trust others. They may also suffer from other mental health issues, such as addiction, depression, or borderline personality disorder. Changing a disorganised attachment style requires deep trauma work. It may not be easy, but it can be done.

If you compare the three insecure attachment styles, you'll notice that there is a sort of coherence in both the anxious and the avoidant attachment styles. What makes the disorganised attachment style different is that it leads to unpredictability in the individual’s relational behaviour. This can be frightening for the partner and any children they may have.

Mixing it up

As I said earlier we all display a mix of attachment styles. Ideally we would all have 100% secure attachment, but that's just not a thing. However even if your primary attachment style is anxious or avoidant, or even disorganised, the fact that you have a little bit of secure attachment in your mix means that you can grow that little seed into something much bigger!

I will come back to the question of how to build secure attachment in a later post, but for now if you would like to find out what your mix is, there are various questionnaires available. I would recommend Diane Poole-Heller's Attachment Style Quiz, and there are others.

And once you've found out what your attachment style is, if you would like some support with growing your secure attachment, get in touch. You can book a complimentary Clarity Call and we'll take a deep dive into your attachment style and how it's playing out in your relationships. And I'll help you come up with a plan for transforming the way you are in relationship. No more being stuck on repeat!