Learn how to rock the boat

One of the hardest things we do in our relationships is to learn how to rock the boat. After years of not asking for what we need, it can feel very frightening. This is how the fear of hearing a ‘No’ or of being shamed or blamed gets in the way of expressing our needs.

And yet it is a wonderful feeling when you ask for something and you receive it.

There are definitely two sides to this fear: your beliefs about yourself and your beliefs about your partner - or whoever it is you're afraid to ask.

What must you be believing about your partner in order to be afraid of expressing yourself clearly? And what are you believing about yourself in order to be so willing to put your own needs on the back burner?

These beliefs are like the barnacles on a boat. If you scrub off the barnacles you can see the true beauty of the boat beneath them. And it helps to remember that both you and your partner are perfect at your core – the anger, blaming, shaming and dismissive behaviour are the barnacles, as are any feelings you have of not being good enough.

If you’re not rocking the boat it suggests that you don’t feel worthy of your partner’s love, respect and attention. Those feelings of unworthiness are just barnacles, because you are worth exactly the same as everyone else in this world.

Why we find it so hard to ask for what we want

When I was a child there was an expression the adults were fond of: "I want doesn't get." It was a way of shaming, putting down and shutting down children, all rolled into four little words.

If you grew up being afraid to ask for what you wanted - whether it be a new bike or a snack - you may have ended up shutting yourself down. It became easier not to ask, than to risk being told off or humiliated. Inevitably this kind of treatment will have had an impact on your self-worth. You would have come to see yourself as not deserving of care, of getting your needs met.

Sometimes shutting down instead of asking for things is the most intelligent thing a child can do. It keeps her safe amongst all those scary adults. But now you're grown up, you don't need that behaviour pattern any more. You can do things differently now. It might mean being courageous, because of the fears that underlie those old childhood programmes, but it's worth the risk.

Raise your expectations

In my current relationship I’ve noticed that I am sometimes reluctant to rock the boat. This came up in a discussion my partner and I had at the weekend – that we don’t want to be the couple who never talk about our differences. We had noticed that in our commitment to not getting stuck into flaming rows we were being a bit too careful around each other.

In that moment I took courage and rocked the boat – about something he had said the day before which I found upsetting. What made it easier was that I took a moment to remind myself that he wouldn’t want to hurt me and is open to feedback.

I know that he won’t shame or blame me, but after years of being in relationships with men who did do that, I sometimes have to remind myself that he won’t.

Beware of managing their feelings for them

It's not just the fear of hearing a No. Sometimes the reason we don't rock the boat is that we are afraid of hurting or appearing too critical. Maybe you don't want to say anything about the standard of washing up or the fact that he forgot the bins again, because you're afraid of making him feel ashamed.

When you do this, you are effectively trying to manage your partner's emotions. But it's not your responsibility. Your emotions are your responsibility and your partner's emotions are their responsibility.

Sometimes it helps to remind your partner that you love them. Even when we're angry we can soften the 'blow' by remembering love. As Annie Lalla says it's much easier for your partner when you say "I love you more than I am angry, but I am angry - like 15/10 angry - because you forgot the bins again and now they're overflowing."

If you're still afraid to rock the boat, remember love in a different way: When we don't speak up about things which matter to us, we build up resentment. Resentment will eat away at you on the inside until you begin to lose the connection with yourself and with your partner. This isn't doing your partner any favours either.

The antidote to resentment of course is to learn to rock the boat!

When there is blaming and shaming in the relationship

It's really important that you don't resort to shaming your partner. Rocking the boat is not about telling your partner that they're crap at washing the dishes. It's not about complaining either. Statements like "you always forget the bins" or "why can't you wash up properly?" are no better than saying nothing.

You rock the boat when you say "Darling I know you sometimes find it hard to remember the bins, but it's really important that you don't forget them this week. What can you (or I) do to make it easier for you to remember to take them out?"

You rock the boat when you say "I feel really good when you compliment me. Could you tell me when you notice that I'm wearing something you like?"

Rocking the boat is a way of moving from complaint to request. And yes, it can feel vulnerable, but it's worth it.

Don’t shame yourself

When we realise we’ve not been standing for ourselves it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of self-shaming. If you notice that you’re feeling bad about yourself because you’ve not been asking for what you need, remember this is most likely a pattern you started in childhood to keep yourself safe. Maybe it was a question of keeping your head down in order to keep out of trouble.

So even as you recognise that this is a pattern you want to change, be grateful to that younger you who had the wisdom and intelligence to keep quiet and stay safe. There’s no need for shame; you can celebrate that you made it this far!

Then choose to do something different.

Stop colluding

Many years ago when I was still with my ex, a therapist said to me “If you don’t challenge him, you’re colluding with him.” It came as a shock to realise that I had been enabling his abusive behaviour. It took courage to challenge him, but I didn’t have a lot to lose by that point. So I did.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who blames or shames you, it will be a whole lot harder to scrub off those barnacles and rock the boat. But remember - no matter how bad their behaviour, they are good at their core. Remembering this will help. Rocking the boat can change this dynamic, as it elicits respect.

When you connect true self to true self, self-expression is easier. I guess this is what we used to call appealing to the person’s better nature.

It reminds me of something my daughter used to say: “Mum, you know how much you love me?” “Hmm” “Could you…?” This was usually followed by a request for money or to buy something for her. But she’d figured out something really important – that I would meet her needs because I loved her.

What would change in your relationship if you scrubbed off those barnacles and started rocking the boat?

If you've tried rocking the boat and it's not getting the kind of response you want, particularly if your partner is fond of blaming and shaming and isn't changing their behaviour, then it might be time to get some professional help. To talk to me, book a complimentary consultation.