Meeting the Challenges of a Relationship with a Man Who Went to Boarding School

This morning a client asked me “In your work with men who went to boarding school, what have you found helps them to open up emotionally and get better at intimacy?”

My answer was that it’s mostly about safety.

The challenge for ex-boarders in general (not just men) is that we tend to shut down at the slightest threat to our sense of safety. We learned to shut down at school in order to protect ourselves and it became a habitual response.

In an intimate relationship this simply doesn't work. And it can be enormously frustrating for the ex-boarder's partner. However you can help make it easier for him (or her) to soften his response when he feels triggered. These are some of my favourite tools which you can use to make this easier.

If you’re in a relationship with an ex-boarder you may have noticed that after the first flush of love was over (when he was most likely open and vulnerable with you), he became much less emotionally available to you.

What This Can Look Like in Your Relationship

The characteristic relationship patterns in ex-boarders are:

• difficulties connecting with their own emotions

• a tendency to dissociate (including all types of addiction)

• lack of empathy

• being unavailable emotionally to their partners

• shutting down and stonewalling

• angry outbursts following a period of being shutdown

• avoidance of vulnerability & intimacy

I like the metaphor of a fortified castle – the ex-boarder either spends most of his time inside the castle or retreats there whenever things start to heat up. So what can you do to encourage him to spend more time outside the castle walls?

As I said at the beginning of this article, the answer is safety.

When we pursue and probe relentlessly, the ex-boarder is far more likely to withdraw back inside the castle and stay there. So endless demands for more intimacy, more emotional expression, more vulnerability, more empathy and more emotional availability are counter-productive.

In fact those endless demands are just as anti-relational as withdrawal and shutting down. They fall under the 2nd and 3rd Losing Strategies: Trying to be in Control and Unbridled Self-Expression.

A 7-Step Plan for Coaxing Him Out of His Castle

So here is my 7-Step Plan for Coaxing A Boarding School Survivor Out of His Castle

1. Slow down! Take things slowly. Be patient – this is a long game.

2. Get him on-board. Your partner must have agreed that he wants to change and open up more emotionally. Without his agreement you’re on a hiding to nothing. With his agreement you can co-create the process.

3. Take things one small baby step at a time. Negotiate the steps. Ask him where would be a good place to start?

4. Foster a sense of safety. With each step, he has to learn that he is safe before moving to the next step. Be curious and compassionate. Don’t judge or put him down if he makes mistakes. Encourage him to be curious and compassionate with himself.

5. Help him to identify and name things which may have been alien to him. He needs to learn to name bodily sensations, emotions and thoughts.

6. Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. He is more likely to stay outside the castle if you avoid saying things like “You make me angry when you…” and “You made me sad when you…” Acknowledge that you are the creator of your own thoughts and feelings – even if they are in response to things he says or does.

7. Show appreciation and celebrate his movement towards you, no matter how small. Be grateful for what he gives you and gracious when he gets it wrong. Remember he is an absolute beginner!

When He Retreats Back Behind the Walls

It’s also important to be aware that this is not a linear process. He will withdraw back behind the castle walls from time to time. The ex-boarder needs enough capacity to stay on the outside. When we don’t have the capacity, we’re more likely to feel overwhelmed by the unfamiliar. And that sense of overwhelm is likely to drive the ex-boarder back inside his fortress.

When this happens it gives you a chance to very gently explore what happened – but only when he is ready to. Again bring curiosity and compassion into play. You can ask questions like:

• “Did something happen which you found triggering or threatening? Or was it because you were too tired/hungry/overworked?”

• “Are you able to see an echo of something in your childhood in what happened between us?”

• “What could I do differently next time to make it easier for you to be available to me​”?

I’ve put together a little toolkit which has a collection of tools that you and your partner can use to make this process smoother. If you want to get good at helping him come out of his fortress, download the toolkit here.