The Subtle Art of Owning Your Shit

In last week's post I talked about the seven things to avoid doing if you want to stay married.

Chief among them is holding your partner responsible for your feelings. Instead of which I recommended that you 'own your shit.' I promised to write about this owning of shit this week, so here we go.

Owning your shit simply means recognising and acknowledging that you are the creator of your feelings, instead of blaming your feelings on your partner. Let me give you an example.

I'm very lucky - my partner has never intentionally set out to hurt me. But there was a day many months ago, when he said or did something that I experienced as hurtful. I can't even remember what it was. But I remember the feeling.

I told him that I felt hurt. But I didn't blame him for the feeling. I knew it was more about my interpretation of what he'd said or done than the content. Or maybe it was because I was triggered (I honestly can't remember).

He was horrified that his words or actions had come across as hurtful and he responded straight away "I would never want to do anything to hurt you." And then my feeling changed to one of relief because I knew that he wouldn't repeat whatever it was he'd done (damn! I wish I could remember what it was). And I felt more loved in that moment.

I also know that in previous relationships (before I came across this understanding) I would totally have blamed my partner for my hurt feelings. And maybe sometimes he would have deliberately set out to hurt me. But I have no way of knowing because I never asked the question. When we blame someone else for our feelings, we don't always stop to enquire whether they did it intentionally. We just launch into recrimination.

The role of presence in owning your shit

I'm even happier to be writing about owning your shit today because I've just returned from a five-day training intensive with transformative coach, Michael Neill, where the subject of shit came up quite a bit.

Michael also talked about presence, connection and exploration. And these are all relevant.

Let's start with presence. This is simply about showing up fully with your partner (or whoever it is you've been seeing as the cause of your feelings).

Being present means leaving behind your thinking about the past and the future. So you're only responding to what's happening here and now.

You may be present to bodily sensations as well as what you're hearing and seeing in your partner. And you'll be present to your feelings and to any thinking you engage in which comes with those feelings.

However you'll also be aware that some of that thinking is probably you making stuff up. Or to use Michael's phraseology, "shit you're making up."

Let's take a favourite bugbear - being late for things. What shit do you make up when your partner is late? For dinner, for a night out, for parents' evening at your child's school...

Here's some shit I made up in the past:

• I feel hurt because he obviously doesn't care

• I'm angry because he's so disorganised

• I'm anxious because he's making us late for our appointment

• I'm contemptuous because he's incapable of saying 'No' to people who want to keep him back at the office

• I'm frustrated because he never learns to allow extra time for heavy traffic

There may be no solution to this problem. Your partner may always be late. But you blaming them for your feelings when they're late is not going to help.

Becoming present to how your thinking generates your feelings is exactly what I mean by owning your shit.

I am not saying you have to put up with meanness or nastiness or abuse of any kind. What I am saying is be really clear about where your partner's part in it ends and your part begins.

How listening and connection can move you forward

I sometimes say that listening is the WD40 of connection. Actually it seems to me that they're so interconnected that they are both WD40 for each other.

And owning your shit is WD40 for both listening and connection. Taking responsibility for your own feelings looks good! It might actually earn you the respect of your partner instead of a big fight about your partner's lateness.

If you're not blaming your feelings on your partner, you stand a better chance of being able to listen to what they have to say and to deepening the connection between you.

When we start to own our shit, we also begin to understand ourselves better. For instance it's really helpful to recognise when our feelings have arisen because we've been triggered, and to have an understanding of why we were triggered.

I get anxious sometimes when my partner is late home at night and forgets to let me know what time to expect him. But when I'm present, I can feel into the knowing that I'm anxious because I am triggered. It's not because I'm afraid he'll be attacked in the street or hit by a bus, but because it reminds me of when I was 14 and left in charge of my little sisters when my parents went out for the evening.

At 14, I had every reason to fear my parents being killed in a car accident! Not that it was likely to happen, but because if it did the consequences were unthinkable.

It's not that all our feelings are a result of being triggered in this way. But it is helpful when you can recognise that you've been triggered, because it takes the pressure off you and your partner. I know that it won't help him to remember to text me next time if I give him a hard time about it. But if I remind him that I'm still prone to irrational fears at 2am, he's more likely to remember.

That's simply me owning my shit.

Try it!

Michael Neill recommended something else you might find useful: 'trying shit.' (He's fond the word shit apparently).

But really, try this and see what happens. I'm not suggesting you do anything very specific. Rather try stuff out. Give it a go. Explore what happens when you try something new.

We did a lot of exploring over the last five days and it was really refreshing not having to practise new skills or get our heads around difficult concepts. You can do that too - explore.

Why not explore

• being present with your partner (instead of getting caught up in judging or thinking about what happened last week or what might happen next week)

• feeling your way into deeper connection with your partner (instead of putting yourself into opposition)

• owning your shit (instead of blaming your partner for your feelings)

• and listening with nothing on your mind because you are present and you have owned your shit.

If you'd like to explore the subtle art of owning your shit with me, let me know. You can book a Clarity Call - it won't cost you a penny and it will be a chance for you to experience what it's like to be with someone who is present with you, does her best to get into connection with you and listens to you deeply.