Are You Hiding Behind a Wall of Indifference?

Sometimes when we're under attack or struggling under the overwhelming load of demands from someone else, it's easier to retreat behind a wall of indifference instead of standing up for yourself.

This looks like "yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever," or "f*ck you, I'm out of here soon, so I don't care."

It's another example of "I'm right and you're wrong" behaviour, but instead of fighting you're retreating behind a wall where you feel relatively safe. But it's a short-term solution and nothing changes in the long-term.

Behind the wall feels safe, but it's no safer than being shut up inside your house because you've developed agoraphobia. It closes you off from what could be, while you're barely keeping your head above water.

When a relationship has hit the skids, behind the wall of indifference may be the place we occupy while we wait for something to happen. Maybe you're waiting until the children have left school before you sue for divorce. Or maybe you're hoping that he'll see the light and get some therapy.

It feels safer behind the wall of indifference. You don't have to confront him with his bad behaviour It allows you to keep working, keep up a social life, continue supporting your elderly parents and do your best for your children.

But it has a cost. It's not just that the relationship difficulties don't get better or that the spark goes out of your marriage. It has an impact on your self-esteem as well, because what kind of woman does not stand up for herself when she is under fire?

What's the alternative to being behind the wall of indifference?

When I was still married, I tried this myself. I'd given up the fight and retreated emotionally to where I could simply shut him out, hoping for a miracle.

But there was a cost. My relationship with my teenage children suffered, my business suffered and my mental health suffered.

In the end a therapist I was working with said something no one had ever said to me before: "If you don't challenge him Sorrel, you're colluding." And then I realised I was colluding with him and in so doing I was enabling him. By retreating behind the wall of indifference I was simply allowing him to carry on.

After that I did challenge him. I wasn't very good at it and it may not have made much of a difference, but at least I felt better for having done it. It was good to know that I was no longer enabling him.

The antidote to the retreating behind the wall of indifference is just that: challenge. It simply means calling out bad behaviour, pointing out that what he (or she) is doing is not helping, that it is not relational.

If you hide behind a wall when you feel threatened, it's worth noticing whether it's because your partner is shouting and raging, putting you down and belittling you or humiliating you, or because they're making unbearable emotional demands or engaging in emotional blackmail. (In case you're new to the concept of emotional blackmail it's when they say something like "if you loved me you would..." or "look what you made me do, you hurt me so much I had to finish off the Scotch").

When challenging is outside your comfort zone...

If you've spent your life never asserting yourself and never challenging anyone, it will feel scary. One of the main reasons we don't challenge our partners is because we're afraid of losing them. And if you never challenged anyone chances are you're a bit of a people-pleaser, with low self-esteem.

So it may be that you'll need to do some work to increase your self-esteem before you feel able to issue that challenge. But it might also be that making the challenge is the starting point for raising your self-esteem - a virtuous circle.

If you would like some support in coming out from behind the wall of indifference, I can help. Book a free Relationship Renewal Clarity Call and we'll discuss what would make that possible for you.