Why is kindness more effective than harsh words?

Do you speak harshly to yourself? If so listen to these words from couples therapist, Terry Real.

“There is no redeeming value in harshness. There’s nothing harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better.”

If you speak harshly to yourself, I understand. It’s a habit I'm still in the process of changing in myself.

I know now that my harsh inner voice – my inner critic if you like – is something I created in response to what I experienced as a child. I don’t recall my parents being harsh with me, but I do remember them being harsh with each other and sometimes with my sisters. So the harsh voice was part of the background noise when I was growing up.

I was the eldest child and I’m like many other women I know who were the eldest child. We were the responsible ones, the ones who comforted younger siblings and sometimes our parents, and we often acted as mediators or go-betweens when there was conflict.

This role which is so often adopted by the eldest child, is sometimes known as the Hero Child, and it’s not confined to women.

The Hero Child adapts to difficulties or disorder in their family by becoming super-competent at everything – they’re very helpful at home, they mind and care for their younger siblings; they excel academically or at sports – or both; they’re responsible and sensible. The Hero Child seems to have been born grown up.

But they are people-pleasers. And this is just one of the difficulties and drawbacks of having to live up to such high expectations. Many Hero Children will have given up their childhood, taking responsibility for younger siblings and working to high expectations academically.

I recognise that in myself – with two sisters who were four and five & half years younger than me; and being the child who went to university and then on to post-graduate studies with the expectation that I would get a PhD and become a university lecturer.

It’s only now looking back on my childhood and the boarding school experience that I have realised that I was a Hero Child. I have that deep feeling of loss and sadness which I could not account for in the past.

In fact I tick almost all the boxes, except that I never excelled at sports!

How parents and teachers encourage these Hero Child patterns

Teachers and parents generally view a Hero Child as the model pupil, but their own success traps the child in a vicious cycle of trying to be the best. The best is a lonely place to be and we end up concealing feelings of loneliness and never feeling good enough. There may be unexpressed anger about the pressure, and when feelings of depression result, work is the obvious distraction and so we work ever harder to cover it up.

Low self-esteem and feelings of not being good enough can become the Hero Child’s main driver: being a loner who seldom recognises their own skills and abilities. They can’t trust their judgment, so they rely on the opinions of others to tell them how they’re doing.

And there is often another problem for Hero Children: they remember only what they didn’t do, the things they couldn’t fix or control. They see their failures, but not their successes. And the things they wouldn’t try because of their fear of failure.

They end up masking their feelings of loneliness, loss, anger and resentment at not being listened to, not being heard and having to be too grown up too soon.

If you were a Hero Child you may live with a deep sorrow over the loss of your childhood. You may find it easy to be serious and task-oriented, but have a hard time lightening up or being playful. You may have an intense need to be in control at all times, and feel panicky if you ever feel that you are losing control of anything.

Why the Hero Child ends up being so harsh

As adults, Hero Children are exceptionally self-reliant and they judge themselves without mercy.

Hero children can be really hard on themselves. This is in part because, while we may try to conceal it, we tend to be highly judgmental people. And we don’t just judge other people, we are constantly judging ourselves.

We also often have a perfectionist streak. We have real difficulty tolerating our own imperfections. And while we can be harsh toward the imperfections of others, we may be even harsher toward the imperfections we see in ourselves.

As adults, Hero Children tend to be regimented in their own lives and can be controlling towards others. This can sometimes amount to coercive perfectionism. The sense of being in control seems essential simply because it was essential to their survival when they were children.

Behind that mask of calm, strength or confidence there is usually a frightened and lonely child inside that they dare not acknowledge, even to themselves. Since they’re used to feeling loved, not for who they are, but for what they can accomplish, they’re afraid that their inner vulnerability and insecurity will be seen by others and result in contempt and rejection.

So if you are a Hero Child, you may feel an intense need to be in control at all times, and you may get panicky when you sense that you are losing control of something. You fear the judgement of others and you probably speak harshly to yourself.

How to stop being so harsh with yourself

All this harshness is hard to live with. Why be so unkind when - as Terry Real says - loving firmness will do just as well.

If you want to stop being so harsh with yourself your first step is to recognise it when it happens. Just noticing it is the first step. Look out for words and phrases like 'should have', 'stupid', 'what on earth was I thinking?'

The next step is self-acceptance and self-compassion: You've been harsh with yourself, but you were acting from an 'old programme' - one which served you in the past. So be kind to yourself - don't tell yourself off for telling yourself off!

The offer yourself a solution. For instance if you've made a mistake you can acknowledge the reasons why you made that mistake. Perhaps you were tired, rushed or hungry. Tell yourself kindly 'next time let's make sure we do this after I've eaten.'

Practise speaking kindly to yourself: You can substitute phrases like ' that wasn't perfect, but we don't need perfect, we only need good enough. And it was good enough.'

Behind all this is a willingness to accept yourself as you are, with all your shortcomings. Even when you feel that you've let yourself down, let your partner down and even your children, being harsh with yourself will not help. Forgive yourself, recognise that you are only human and that you are willing to do better next time. Say it with self-love and self-compassion.

✅ If you were expected to be the responsible one in your family
✅ You find it hard to trust, open up or rest
✅ You want to understand your patterns and handle them with kindness, and
✅ You’re ready to take steady steps toward healing...

Take The Journey Home. It's a 21-day email course is for anyone who experienced loss, separation, or abandonment in childhood - and that includes the abandonment of having to give up your childhood too early. In 21 days you'll learn the power of curiosity and compassion for healing those early hurts, and you'll find an unexpected power to change as you connect with who you truly are.

Sign up for The Journey Home here.

Next week's blog will focus on how the Hero Child shows up in our relationships. Check back here to learn more.