How do You Live With Someone Who Keeps Putting You Down?

If you’re a woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship, you may have noticed a pattern of put-downs or belittling remarks from your partner. You might even wonder if it’s normal to be dismissed or devalued in this way, and sadly it’s all too common.

These put downs are an integral part of psychological patriarchy, which in turn stems from cultural patriarchy which sees men as superior to women. This deep-seated belief can shape the behaviour of individuals, leading some men (and occasionally women) to engage in a pattern of diminishing their partner's worth.

Of course, not all men put down their partners. But for those who do, whether intentionally or subconsciously, it can wear away at your self-esteem and well-being over time. Let’s dive into why this happens and what you can do to change things.

Why Does My Partner Put Me Down?

When someone constantly puts down their partner, it’s often a symptom of grandiosity—a form of inflated self-esteem in which the person sees themself as inherently superior. This mindset can make it hard for them to empathise with others, sometimes causing them to put others down in order to affirm their own self-worth.

In these situations, you may find yourself questioning your own self-esteem. This difference in self-perception between you and your partner is a reflection of a cultural narrative often referred to as "the great lie." As therapist & educator, Pia Mellody puts it, it’s the idea that people can be superior or inferior based on arbitrary standards. In the context of psychological patriarchy, this often translates to a hierarchy where masculinity holds femininity in contempt—a mindset that unfortunately breeds misogyny.

Understanding Your Partner’s Actions

You may think, “He’s not that bad—he doesn’t use hurtful language, he’s never aggressive.” However, if he often makes you feel small or inadequate, even subtle put-downs can be damaging. Recognising these behaviours is a first step toward understanding the impact they’re having on you.

It’s also important to acknowledge that he will be a victim of the same cultural conditioning. As writer Bell Hooks observes, patriarchy requires men to “kill off” their emotional selves, disconnecting them from vulnerability and, by extension, from fully supportive relationships.

Are You Using “Losing Strategies”?

If you’ve been trying to cope with his behaviour without success, you might be relying on what relationship expert Terry Real calls “losing strategies.” These are approaches we use to manage conflict but that end up making things worse. Some common losing strategies include:

1. Trying to Prove You’re Right: While you may be right, insisting on this in every conflict can escalate arguments, often leading nowhere productive.

2. Attempting to Control His Behaviour: Passive-aggressive responses like “Your dinner’s in the dog” don’t encourage positive change and often create more resistance.

3. Unbridled Self-Expression: Venting without restraint often leads to resentment rather than resolution. Expressing your hurt can be important, but delivering it with love and calm is essential.

4. Retaliation: Tit-for-tat responses to his behaviour can feel satisfying in the moment but usually make matters worse.

5. Withdrawing: Pulling away, especially as a form of punishment, often leads to even more disconnection.

All of these strategies focus on each person as an isolated individual, which only drives more conflict. The key is to focus on the health of your relationship, because, after all, you and your partner are in a relationship; you’re not two separate isolated individuals.

Shifting Toward Connection

Instead of focusing on individual grievances, try moving toward relational mindfulness, which emphasises the health of the relationship as a whole. These strategies will be most effective if your partner joins in, but even if he doesn’t, you can still make a positive impact.

Here are six strategies to start shifting your approach:

1. Start with a Truce: Begin by suggesting that you both work on improving the relationship for each other’s benefit. Emphasise that this isn’t about assigning blame but about building a healthier dynamic together.

2. Respect His Time: Rather than diving into a serious conversation unannounced, ask if he’s available to talk. This small act shows respect for his time and creates space for a focused discussion without distractions.

3. Shift from Complaints to Requests: Instead of focusing on what he does wrong, express what you’d like to see happen. Stay calm, even if he doesn’t immediately respond positively.

4. Be Specific: Instead of vague requests like “be more caring,” describe specific actions that would help you feel cared for, and give concrete examples of how put-downs make things worse.

5. Offer Something in Return: Relational shifts are a two-way street. If you’ve been emotionally distant, try making small moves to re-engage. Turning toward his bids for attention, such as responding when he points something out, is a simple place to start.

6. Listen Openly: If he begins putting you down during conversations, gently remind him of the agreement to work on the relationship. Try to understand if there are other issues causing his frustration or irritability.

Strengthen Yourself First

If these steps feel overwhelming, you may need to focus on self-care first. Women are often conditioned to prioritise others’ needs, but prioritising your own well-being can give you the strength needed to work on these changes from a place of confidence rather than exhaustion.

As a therapist once told me, “If you don’t challenge him, you are colluding.” This challenge doesn’t have to be confrontational but can be a “loving challenge”—one that invites him to grow alongside you rather than forcing change upon him.

For more on these strategies, download my e-book, Three Steps to a Magical Relationship. It’s designed to help you prepare for a more fulfilling relationship, even if your partner is struggling to meet you halfway.