How does the Hero Child show up in relationships?

In last week's blog post I talked about how childhood experiences can shape a 'Hero Child'. Hero Children were the responsible ones, the ones who comforted younger siblings and sometimes our parents. In fact we often ended up 'parenting' our parents.

Unfortunately in adulthood this tends to show up as perfectionism, having to control everything and the tendency to be harshly critical.

It’s obvious that much of what I have described will be a hand grenade thrown into a relationship. Nobody likes to be controlled, micro-managed or criticised and judged harshly when they get things wrong.

And yet the Hero Child finds it so hard to let go of that need to be right and to control their other half.

Furthermore, Hero Children also have difficulty having fun (after all, there is always something that needs to be done).

We take ourselves very seriously and it’s hard to have fun when you’re so busy being responsible and right. So the fun that others have, the easy laughter and the ability to relax is usually missing in Hero Children, and may be an object of their jealousy or judgment when they see it in others.

Can you see yourself in this description? Or in fact do you see it in your partner? If so maybe your partner is being a mirror for you. Often the things we dislike most in others are things we dislike in ourselves.

The first steps in changing your behaviour

If your relationship is suffering, look to yourself first.

• Are you being harsh with yourself?

• Are you taking so much responsibility you have no time for fun or pleasure?

• Have you been giving your inner critic or your inner perfectionist full rein?

• Do you feel anxious or panicky when you’re not in control?

• Do you fear the judgment of others?

If you’ve answered yes to two or more of these questions then it is time to start being sweet to yourself.

Self-esteem simply means holding yourself with love and kindness even when you have screwed up or let yourself or someone else down.

When you catch yourself speaking harshly to yourself, take a breath and speak from a different voice – the voice of the part of you which loves you. And believe me that part is in there too, alongside your Hero Child, your inner critic, and your inner control freak.

It may not feel natural to be kind to yourself. And you may have to keep repeating the exercise over and over again. But with enough practice it will get easier.

This is part of the process of self-care which makes it easier to step up in your relationships – with your other half, with your children, your family and your friends.

When you feel the difference between that harsh inner critic and the sweeter voice, you'll find it easier to understand what it's like for your partner, your children - even your parents - to be on the receiving end of your judgement and criticism. That makes it easier to soften your approach and change how you communicate with them.

To find out more about this you can download my guide to relationship renewal, Three Steps to a Magical Relationship.